


Who Wants To Live Forever?

by professionaldumbass



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes & Sam Wilson Friendship, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Hurt Bucky Barnes, One Shot, Other, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Post-Endgame, Recovery, but not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-05
Updated: 2019-07-05
Packaged: 2020-06-09 16:40:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19479877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/professionaldumbass/pseuds/professionaldumbass
Summary: Bucky had given up on the idea of recovery. He knew that everything he had gone through ever since he became the winter soldier wouldn’t be resolved with a couple of therapy sessions. Hell, he often thought that something was fundamentally wrong with him. Moving in with Sam was helping – kind of. He knew that he was not alone. But Steve leaving- well, that wasn’t easy. Nothing was, but that one stung. So he wasn’t surprised when he woke up, in the middle of the night, his pillow drenched in sweat. He always dreamt about him, no matter how hard he tried not to.Bucky deals with the fact that Steve's never coming back and that he needs to adapt to this new life all by himself. Well, not all by himself.





	Who Wants To Live Forever?

Bucky had given up on the idea of recovery. He knew that everything he had gone through ever since he became the winter soldier wouldn’t be resolved with a couple of therapy sessions. Hell, he often thought that something was fundamentally wrong with him. Moving in with Sam was helping – kind of. He knew that he was not alone. But Steve leaving- well, that wasn’t easy. Nothing was, but that one stung. So he wasn’t surprised when he woke up, in the middle of the night, his pillow drenched in sweat. He always dreamt about him, no matter how hard he tried not to.

2h39am. Sighing, he unplugged his phone, grabbed his notebook and pen and got out of bed. The apartment was nice, it wasn’t that big but Bucky didn’t mind. He used the flashlight on his phone to make sure he didn’t trip, made sure not to wake Sam. He had also gone through so much and needed all the sleep he could get. He didn’t actually need the flashlight, his years as the winter soldier had granted him an ability to know which spots of an apartment to avoid, which floorboards creaked and which didn’t and he knew the apartment by heart by now. Still, he liked to turn on his flashlight and just pretend there was some part in him that was still human. The apartment had a roof Bucky would often go on during sleepless nights, which were four this week. So every night so far.

He sat on his usual chair and found the cigarette pack on the little table beside him. He didn’t smoke that often anymore. He took a long drag, relishing the taste and allowing the smoke to burn his lungs. As he breathed out the smoke, he looked across the city. It was so quiet; the only sound was Bucky’s breathing and the burn of his cigarette. The sky was starless. Bucky tried to remember what the stars looked like in Wakanda, even when he was a kid in Brooklyn there were more stars in the sky. When he finished smoking his cigarette, he just kept on staring at the sky.

“Hey, Stevie” he whispered to himself, almost no sound escaping his lips. He often spoke to Steve even though he knew there’s no way of him hearing him.

“Remember that time we went stargazing in Central Park? Some asshole drunks shouted slurs at us and you wanted to beat them up.” He smiled at the memory of scrawny Steve ready to fight a group of drunken men at midnight for Bucky. He found it hard to breathe after that. He couldn’t bring the next words past his lips. He didn’t dare. _Remember when you still loved me? Remember when you said till the end of the line and meant it?_

He let two tears roll down his eyes and tried to keep his breathing in check. He wiped his nose on the back of his hand, metal hand clenched into a fist.

“It’s so peaceful here, Stevie,” he continued “you’d like it here. Just the two of us, sharing a cigarette. God, I wish you were here.” Stifling a couple of sobs, he tried to remember as much as possible. He always tried to remember his life before the Fall, whenever he could. He wrote down little phrases he remembered people saying, wrote down the names and traits of the people he was close to, places he liked to visit, things he did. After he couldn’t think of anything else, he set down the notebook.

3h24am. He didn’t notice how cold he was up till that point, but he couldn’t get up. He lit another cigarette and observed the streets. There was not much happening, but he tried to observe as much as possible. He didn’t know how long he sat in silence.

“Why don’t you love me anymore, Steve?” He finally broke down, hiding his eyes in his hands.

“Why not me? Why didn’t you choose me? You _promised_ me it’d all be alright. I need you, Stevie. I need the little guy from Brooklyn. Why did you leave me?” He was shivering now, but he wasn’t sure if it was because of the temperature, or because he was tired, or because he was upset. He was mad at Steve for leaving him here.

“Am I that broken? Am I truly that broken? What happened in these five years where I was gone, what happened to us? Why am I not good enough for you? I really miss you, Stevie. I do. I just wish you would’ve come back.” Bucky tucked his feet onto the chair and hugged his knees.

4.08am. Bucky heard an ambulance drive by a couple of blocks away, the sound deafening after sitting in the quiet for so long. He heard the door from the building to the roof open and close, but he didn’t have the energy to turn his head. His eyes were stinging with from staring into nothing for so long.

“Mind if I join you?” He heard Sam’s familiar voice.

“Be my guest.” Sam set down a mug next to him, which Bucky gladly took. He took a sip of what turned out to be hot chocolate with mini marshmallows. Bucky smiled.

“Thanks, Sam” He looked at Sam, who looked just as tired as him.

“Thought you might be cold,” Sam said as he held out a blanket to Bucky.

“Thank you” Bucky never really said much when Sam came up to the roof. Him and Sam had long conversations occasionally, but never on the roof.

“How are you holdin’ up?” Sam asked. He knew that Bucky wasn’t okay, and Bucky doubted that Sam was.

“I really miss him.” Bucky’s voice cracked and he felt tears stinging his eyes again.

“So do I,” Sam said after a while. Bucky leaned his head towards Sam’s shoulder and Sam moved his chair so that he would have better access. They often did that. Sam’s arm around Bucky, Bucky trying to find some sort of comfort in Sam’s arms. Neither of them had to speak and they sat there until the sun was rising, turning the world into gold for just a moment. Those moments made Bucky feel as if maybe, just maybe, he could be okay someday.

**Author's Note:**

> Alright so I just wrote this and it's 2am here, I just needed to share. The title is from that Queen song because I was listening to it and it just kind of fit I guess


End file.
